


Giving Up Options and Selfish Bravery

by Diary



Series: Different Choices, Unwanted Love, and Requited Love [2]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Conversations, Bechdel Test Fail, Bisexual Robert Sugden, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Companion Piece, Getting Back Together, Introspection, Love, M/M, POV Bisexual Character, POV Male Character, POV Robert Sugden, Past Infidelity, Romance, Scars, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 18:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9397622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diary/pseuds/Diary
Summary: Companion piece to Both Stream and Stone from Robert's POV. An AU look at Robert/Aaron when Gordon reappears. Complete.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Emmerdale.
> 
> Here's a link to Both Stream and Stone: http://archiveofourown.org/works/8492446.

Vic, Diane, and Adam are liable to kill one another, and he just wants some peace.

Admittedly, going to see the man who hates him might not be the best way to achieve this.

Aaron is rearranging his desk when Robert comes in, and he barely spares a glance when Robert starts talking. It stings, but he tries to let himself hope this might be progress. Aaron isn’t angry at his presence, and Aaron isn’t leaving.

If he’s honest, it more than hurts. It makes him angry and defensive to be ignored as if he’s nothing, unimportant.

It was the same with Katie, flashes dully through his mind. Chrissie and Aaron both, and still, some part of him could never quite let go of Katie, and if he’d just backed off, tried to make nice, convinced her he’d changed, and then, left her and Andy alone-

His chest aches.

It’s replaced by something more fragile when Aaron walks over and touches his shoulder.

The kiss- of course, he wants Aaron, but this a fresh set of longing. He’s never properly held Aaron’s hand, he realises. Once, Aaron wanted to know all his secrets and inner thoughts, and now, he’d brave the fear and uneasiness and do this, if only Aaron gave any indication he still wanted this.

“This means nothing.”

The worst part is he can see how much Aaron truly means it. Aaron is irritable and trying to find a way to channel his energy. If Robert tries to make this more than a physical respite, Aaron will either leave or kick him out.

In the past, there were one-night stands, and he and they were all just bodies to one another, but the thought of him being reduced to this- it’s what he did to Aaron. Just like Aaron had the choice to not go along with it, so does he.

He supposes his best hope is in the fact Aaron has always been better than him. If he goes along, surely, Aaron will-

And if he doesn’t, Aaron might well go find some other bloke. They’d use each other, but Aaron might actually laugh with and smile at this other bloke.

More importantly, Robert knows he’s never going to use Aaron in such a way again. He heart twinges too much at the thought.

Reaching over, he kisses Aaron. “Whatever you want, Aaron.”

…

He remembers the first time in some car in the garage. After, he’d felt self-disgust and the familiar shame and wondered why he couldn’t be different, why he always fell back on going behind some good woman’s back. Just like with Katie, Chrissie was wearing his ring.

This wasn't cheating, and Aaron’s long accepted being gay, but Robert can see from the expression on Aaron’s face, Aaron is disgusted with what just happened.

He doesn’t know what to say and settles for, “Feeling better?”

He immediately regrets it.

“Yeah. Thanks, I guess.”

Looking over, he sighs, “I’ll give you what you want, but don’t blame me if you have regrets afterwards.”

Aaron nods. “Just don’t make this into anything. I don’t care who you shag, and if I find someone, you don’t get to say anything about it.”

“Understood.”

Even knowing Aaron likely just wants him to go, maybe- one kiss. A simple kiss with nothing deeper, is all he wants. They did trade those a few times, but they were rare, and he always tried so hard not to want them and to avoid them.

“Whenever you want to leave is good.”

 _What if I never want to leave_ , he wonders. _If I said that, would you let me stay and talk to me? Just let me stay while you work everything out in your head?_

He leaves.

…

Aaron has taken to sleeping in the portacabin, and before Robert can even start to wonder why and how to fix this, Adam tells him, “I’m handling Aaron. If this goes on for more than a fortnight, that’ll mean it’s serious, and I’ll help him. You stay out of it.”

“Gladly,” he answers.

Based on the look Adam gives him, though it’s unlikely Adam knows he and Aaron are sleeping together again, he doesn’t look convinced Robert is over Aaron and content to stay out of his life.

…

One day, Aaron is almost visibly thrumming with cross energy, and Robert can’t help but gasp when sharp teeth sink deeply into his tongue.

He wonders if actual violence is about to follow and tries to resign himself to it.

Instead, Aaron moves away and looks at him with genuine regret and worry. “Sorry. Got carried away.”

He knows this was more than Aaron just getting carried away. Getting carried away would involve Aaron actually snogging him rather than kissing him just enough so Aaron could get Aaron’s body fully ready for sex.

However, it seems it truly was an accident rather than a desire to hurt him.

Reaching over, he carefully touches Aaron’s arm and is relieved Aaron doesn’t tense or shake it off. “It’s okay.”

The next kiss is so gentle he feels himself shivering, and it deepens, but there’s no roughness, and there’s warmth rather than the usual heat.

He’d feel homicidal towards whoever is on the other end of Aaron’s mobile, but Aaron looks younger, a little less burdened, and for a few brief seconds, he looks at Robert with something other than annoyance, anger, or impatient lust.

…

After the kiss in the barn, things begin to change a bit.

He’s not complaining, but he’s afraid, because, he doesn’t know the new rules.

Before, it was: Aaron kept his top on, and however Aaron wanted to get off, they did it with little else. It was usually fairly fast and containing little gentleness.

Of course, he always got off, too, but sometimes, it was on par with a perfunctory wank.

Now, there are proper snogs, and sometimes, after sex, Aaron seems almost happy rather than just relieved of his tension.

A few times, Robert bites his own tongue to keep from making a joke or trying to start a deep discussion.

This can’t go on, he knows it can’t. This isn’t him, and in many ways, this isn’t Aaron, either.  

Maybe, though, he tells himself, with a little more time-

…

In the barn, Aaron snogs him so thoroughly, he half-wonders if this is a dream when Aaron asks, “Any plans for the weekend? Only, I’m going to find a cheap hotel and stay ‘til Monday. If you want to join me- but if not, that’s fine. Just don’t turn this into a million questions or an argument.”

Okay,” Robert quickly says. “I mean, yeah. Uh, some questions, though?”

He hates how stumble-y and tongue-tied his words are. He’s a tad scared of how his skin is literally tingling with excitement.

“Obviously. Actually- I’m paying for my half, but if you want to find a hotel, that would be good. You’re better at that sort of thing, anyways.”

He wants to express how thankful he is for this trust, and he’s so tempted to try to see if they could have a serious conversation. _Just give me a chance_ , he wants to beg. _I love you, and maybe you still want to, but you don’t hate me anymore. If you ever really loved me, I could make it so you could again. And it’d be better._

Instead, they end up on the blanket, and Aaron’s top comes off. He makes it clear Robert isn’t to pay attention to the scars, but this is progress, Robert can feel it down to his bones.

He had some unkind thoughts in the beginning about them, he won’t deny it. He’ll always wish Aaron hadn’t been hurt, and he’ll always wish, if Aaron had to be hurt, somehow, someone or something had stopped Aaron before the cutting began and helped him find healthier coping mechanisms.

Aaron was hurt, though, and now, there’s a small bit of admiration (Aaron’s so strong, and despite all the pain, he made them instead of doing something worse, he’s still alive) and large desire to try to infuse gentleness and, if possible, pleasure on all the areas where pain had once been inflicted.

…

He’s always hated the quote, ‘To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved,’ and he’s never agreed with it.

Now- he’s not sure the latter still holds.

With clear memories of the lodge, he made sure to get a room surrounded by others in a moderately packed hotel. Thankfully, their neighbours are quiet.

Aaron takes his top off, he doesn’t flinch or get angry when Robert traces the scars, and at night, he mumbles, nuzzles his pillow, and falls into a deep sleep after Robert tentatively puts an arm around him.

The next day, Aaron stares at the TV with disdain and grumbles, “Should have known a soft touch like you would be into-”

“My half of this room goes towards majority remote ownership,” he declares.

Scoffing, Aaron says, “Mate, that literally makes no sense.”

“Well, we both know I’ve the more experienced businessman.”

Aaron kisses him, a soft, quick kiss, and grabs the remote.

This, it might not be forgiveness or a deep trust, but Aaron trusts him enough to lounge in bed and bicker over the telly with him. Aaron doesn’t hate him so much he’s opposed to simple kisses. Or at least, he’s not opposed to giving them.

Robert eventually always mucked it back up, but he’s regained the trust of people he’s done wrong before.

This is different. There’s been no dramatic plans or other manipulation.

As good as this feels, if this all he’s going to be allowed, being a bit on the side who gets to stay this way only as long as he unselfishly gives everything Aaron wants or needs-

Not for the first time it strikes him, _No wonder he hates me._

He supposes the difference is, on occasion, he deliberately chose to ignore and misread Aaron’s obvious feelings, whereas, Aaron might trust him enough to go away in secret on a mini-holiday with him, but based on what Aaron’s said in the past, he no longer seems to believe Robert actually has these feelings.

Letting out a small breath, he makes a grab for the remote and ends up on top of Aaron.

Aaron looks at him with playful eyes and doesn’t protest when his hands find their way under Aaron’s shirt.

…

It’s Monday morning, and he's lying on Aaron’s warm side of the bed and enjoying the smell.

Sitting, Aaron reaches over to trace the bullet wound.

The calloused but so gentle, almost tentative, fingers feel so good against the slightly sensitised flesh, and the press of warm, dry lips feel even better.

More follows, and it’s so good he could get lost in it. The last time it was like this- he wishes he could remember the exact date. All he knows is it was before the scrapyard.

He tries not to let himself get lost, but Aaron pinning his wrists when he tries to cover his mouth and kissing him when he starts biting at his tongue and chewing at his lips makes him realise with a shiver he's truly fighting a losing battle.

Aaron wouldn’t be so cruel as to- if he blurts out the feelings edging closer and closer to the edge, it could be bad.

Closing his eyes, he finds himself begging, “Aaron, please. Please.”

The hands around his wrists loosen, and considering how to explain, he opens his eyes. Despite his desperation to press something against his mouth to keep the words in, he's more than fine with the hands encircling his wrists. During sex, Aaron would never hurt him, not physically, at least, and a bit of restraint can be fun at times.

He finds himself looking into Aaron’s eyes, and the hands are even looser.

“It’s okay,” Aaron tells him. “It’s just you and me. Whatever you want, need, say it.”

He’s scared to. The possibility of having what he wants is so near he’s already properly imagining it in his head, but the possibility of realising he never will have it is just as close.

Safe. He knows Aaron once felt safe with him, around him, but there’s a possibility he’ll never be able to give such a feeling to Aaron again. Aaron did have moments of happiness with him, but he doesn’t fool himself into thinking Aaron was happy during the affair. He wants to give Aaron actual happiness.

“I love you,” comes out.

Fingers link through his, and he can’t stop himself from continuing, “I’ve missed you. I want to be with you.”

“What do you call this, then?”

Aaron’s tone is joking, but Robert doesn’t know if Aaron truly doesn’t understand or if he’s just trying to brush it aside and ignore it.

Robert’s been called brave before, but he’s always known- he’s smart, confidence usually comes easily, and he can usually choose not to act on his fear.

He’s terrified, now, and he doesn’t know if he can act regardless of the fear. He’s never been brave.

Maybe, for once, however, his selfishness can come to the rescue, because, the thought of blowing the best opportunity he has, will likely ever get- Looking into Aaron’s eyes, he explains, “Not just like this. I want to be with you properly. I’d do almost anything for that.”

It ends, and he instinctively curls around Aaron.

Aaron lets him.

He’s heard Aaron’s going to move into the Barton farm with Cain and Moira.

Robert will admit most, if not all, of it was Aaron responding to Robert hurting him first, but: Aaron’s hurt him before. _You’re nothing_ , _of course I don’t love ya_ , _I hate ya_ , _you’re pathetic._

This can’t be Aaron planning to end things, it can’t be. Three final days-

 _I love you, and I think I could make you happy_ , is right there along with the more vindictive, _I remember how you used to take every scrap I’d give. I’m in your system, mate, and you’re never going to find any man who comes close to me. Hate me or love me, I’m going nowhere_.

No, he’s not going with the latter. If nothing else, all this covert shagging and secret mini-holiday proves he has a chance at one day being Aaron’s mate, at least. He can’t be sure he won’t muck everything up if some other bloke comes around and gets with Aaron, but-

“If you ever lie to me again, when I find out, we’re done. No talking your way out of it, no more chances. That’s just it.”

Jolting, he feels tentative hope taking root. “Does that mean you’re going to give us a chance? Me?”

“I’ve missed you, too.”

Cupping Aaron’s cheek, Robert kisses him and feels a sense of calm, happiness, and safety settling throughout him. “Just, uh, you and me, eh? No one else.”

The feeling doesn’t last, because, instead of answering, Aaron stares off.

“Aaron?”

A sigh from Aaron causes something close to panic to start inside him.

Meeting his eyes, Aaron says, “Look, don’t lie to me. I’m not letting you turn me into some weirdo who sits at home all night wondering where you’ve got to. If you want other people, then, you want other people. I don’t want to hear about it, and you say nothing if I do the same. But if you want it to just be you and me- be sure, Robert. Don’t say that and, then, do me like you did Chrissie and it seems like everyone else you’ve ever been serious with.”

For so long, Robert’s wanted a beautiful wife he could talk to, a job he loved, plenty of money, and to be the better son than Andy.

He finally got most of it, he lost almost all of it, and aside from desperately wishing he had let him and Andy truly be brothers, he finds he doesn’t particularly care. When he had most of it, he found himself bordering on desperate for Aaron, and now, all he wants is Aaron. With everyone else, until Aaron, cheating wasn’t particularly even about wanting others, he’ll admit now. It was about feeling the need for options.

Chrissie came the closest. He loved her, and the fact she saw so much of him and accepted him whilst still challenging him to be better only deepened this. Katie and the others, he was too afraid for any of them to see him, and so, he prevented it along with trying to give himself options.

He’s seen the good and bad of Aaron, and Aaron’s mostly seen the bad of him. He’s so much more than that, though, he knows he is, and he just wants to be himself with Aaron.

Whether Aaron saw him clearly or not back then, he went and fell in love with Aaron in a way he never had anyone else.

“I won’t. I promise you, I won’t.”

He imagines the scrapyard is somewhere in Aaron’s head, too, and someday, he’s going to say the words to give a proper apology, but first, he wants to prove it, to make up with it for his actions so that when he does, Aaron won’t automatically dismiss it. Knowing he has to address it a bit now, however, he adds, “What I said- when I was with Chrissie, you were the only other person. There was no other birds or blokes either.”

Aaron’s quiet.

“Do you believe me?”

“That’s up to you. I’m not calling you a liar. Don’t be one. If I’m really all you want, then, you have me, and I’ve told you how to keep me. As long as I’m the only one, you’ll be the only one for me.”

The calm happiness comes back.

He knows it’s still going to take time for them both to adjust to being in a proper relationship, for Aaron to completely trust him, and for everyone else, Chas, Paddy, the whole Dingle clan, and Adam, to accept him and the relationship. He might still have a long way to go before he hears, “I love you,” again, but right now, he’s free to touch his boyfriend, and he knows he can get Aaron to admit to wanting and needing him.

Letting his hand drift lower, he kisses Aaron and offers, “I could get us a later checkout.”

A gasp of, “Sounds good,” and Aaron tugging at him is his reward.

…

He wakes up to find himself curled around Aaron’s sitting body.

“Did I kick ya awake,” he inquires with a yawn.

“It’s alright,” Aaron says. Meeting Robert’s kiss, he continues, “But we really need to leave, soon, mate. Adam and your sister both want to kill us.”

“Why’s she only my sister when-”

Aaron smacks him with a pillow. “I’ve already got most of the stuff packed.” Shaking his head, he murmurs, “Lazybones.”

“Before you go to the Bartons, why don’t you have tea with us at Vic’s? Safety in numbers, eh?”

“After I get settled, maybe.” Aaron sighs. “I doubt Cain will let you spend the night, but I’m sure, when Adam and Vic come down, Moira will make him let you stay.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Robert says. “The important thing is, we’re together, now.”

“Yeah,” Aaron agrees, and the look he gives Robert is one of soft happiness.


End file.
